It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
