I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
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If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
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He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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