I think i peed on brittanys purse
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
