We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
