upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
