Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
