Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
