my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
