please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
