My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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