Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
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