i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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