So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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