i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
