I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
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...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
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I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.