I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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