god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
