i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
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I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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