Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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