I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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