My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Hippo gnu deer
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
