OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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