My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
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Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
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This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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