the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
