It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
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