I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
