Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I think a kid would responsible me up
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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