It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
