I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
