his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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