Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
