Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
