Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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