So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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