That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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