im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
