tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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