i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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