Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
