Sry I called you an 8
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
