I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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