the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.