Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!