I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
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did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
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The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.