Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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