I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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