I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
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He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
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you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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