we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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