I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
