I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
