I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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