Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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