Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
