I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
